Please read this text if you want to understand the joke!

EuroEnglish
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty�s government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as �EuroEnglish�.
In the first year, �s� will replace the soft �c�.
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard �c� will be dropped in favour of the �k�. This should klear up confusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing public enthusiasm in the second year, when the troublesome �ph� will be replased with the �f�. This will make words like �fotograf� 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, public akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will encourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horrible mes of the silent �e� in the language disgraseful and they should do away.
By the 4th year , people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing �th� with �z� and �w� with �v�.
During ze fifz year , ze unesesary �o� kan be dropd from vords containing �ou� and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of letters.
After zis fifz ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!!! And zen ve vil take over ze vorld!!!!

interesant :crazy:

de mai mari prostii n-am mai auzit! ma enerveaza schimbarile astea! lasa s-o invete asa cum este! eu am facut-o si inca nu stiu cite millioane de oameni au facut-o....

Sorry I only speak English because I am from America. I have studied Spanish and French but forget most of it because when I was in school they didn't start foreign language education until high school. That's too late if they expect you to remember it!

I stumbled across this board because I just began using the same bulletin board software that is used here and I was looking at some mods. Anyway, just wanted to say that I loved the joke! Very clever.

Cheers
Mike

I�m glad that you has joined us.

cool iti spun cinstit de mult nu m-am ris la un bacn cum la asta...
bravA :D :D

Italiano American Joke
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his
grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin to
me. I want for you to take my chrome plated 38
revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you
leaving me your Rolex watch instead."
"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da
bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa
money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino. Soma
day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in
bed with another man. What do you do than? Point to
you
watch and say TIMES UP?"

A president with his security advisor



George B.: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleeza R.: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George B.: Great. Lay it on me.
Condoleeza R.: Hu is the new leader of China.
George B.: That's what I want to know.
Condoleeza R.: That's what I'm telling you.
George B.: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condoleeza R.: Yes.
George B.: I mean the fellow's name.
Condoleeza R.: Hu.
George B.: The guy in China.
Condoleeza R.: Hu.
George B.: The new leader of China.
Condoleeza R.: Hu.
George B.: The Chinaman!
Condoleeza R.: Hu is leading China.
George B.: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condoleeza R.: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George B.: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condoleeza R.: That's the man's name.
George B.: That's who's name?
Condoleeza R.: Yes.
George B.: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condoleeza R.: That's correct.
George B.: Then who is in China?
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir is in China?
Condoleeza R.: No, sir.
George B.: Then who is?
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Yassir?
Condoleeza R.: No, sir.
George B.: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condoleeza R.: Kofi?
George B.: No, thanks.
Condoleeza R.: You want Kofi?
George B.: No.
Condoleeza R.: You don't want Kofi.
George B.: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condoleeza R.: Kofi?
George B.: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condoleeza R.: And call who?
George B.: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condoleeza R.: Hu is the guy in China.
George B.: Will you stay out of China?!
Condoleeza R.: Yes, sir.
George B.: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condoleeza R.: Kofi.
George B.: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condoleeza R.: Rice, here.

George B.: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China.
And the Middle East.

negru, a good joke, but delete those mistakes ! :wink:

i did not write this joke so the mistakes aren't my :-)

Negru this is a really cool joke...
Bush is so stupid...
:hahaha: :hahaha:

cool' you as a moderator can delete those mistakes !
negru, I can see that you didn't wrote it !

I will do this ...but not now...later

I'm glad at least somebody keeps oreder on his forum ! :wink:

Animal i�ve made it...especially for you!

thanks ! well done ! :wink:

This is the best joke that I've heard in a whole month!!! :lol:
Good job...

Hey, here's some things to do in class if you're bored.

25 Ways To Confuse Your Professors:

1. Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if you
have a question, and mumble your question incoherantly while brushing,
spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your
actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.
2. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far away
from your profesor, shout out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because you're scouting the room for "assassins."
3. If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wear your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the blankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two minutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the "snooze" button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of the class.
4. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying, "Stop
writing down all these lies!"
5. Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take a seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.
6. Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a panic. Don't return for the rest of class.
7. Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway trough class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.
8. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!" Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking.
Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back up. When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run home.
9. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into class, release the hornets, scream, and run away.
10. Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand sitting in
this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.
11. Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the
cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments,
shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and
become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily
and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave
the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...."
12. Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects, explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.
13. When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it,
give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit.
14. Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get your professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol,
scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty scary, huh?"
15. Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going to arrive.
16. Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class. Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All" or "Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the paintings to your professor as gifts.
17. Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!"
Apologize, and explain that you got confused.
18. Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it,
and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit.
19. Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15 minutes late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the building until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock, and
throw it through the window.
20. Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think up a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class and perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that he/she is "very inspiring."
21. Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it comes time to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I wish I had a banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming you get a bad grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor.
22. When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it on
the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service.
23. Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing
class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested, and
write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic interludes
and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make copies for the
entire class, and your professor. Demand extra credit.
24. Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next to them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and
"You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."
25. Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your
professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get
other people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in
what you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down.

:lol:

At the opening plenary session of the WSSD in Johannesburg delegations
were asked: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The subsequent debate was a complete fiasco and ended in deadlock, because:
The Africans did not know what "food" meant.
The Western Europeans did not know what "shortage" meant.
The Eastern Europeans did not know what "opinion" meant.
Delegates from the Middle East did not know what "solution" meant.
The South Americans did not know what "please" meant.
The Asians did not know what "honest" meant.
And the United States did not know what "the rest of the world" meant.

:D

Windows '98 source code:

/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
Project: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Summer 1994
*/

#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL =3D HARD

char make_prog_look_big[1600000];

void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();

if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}

write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();

if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}

if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu())
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}

/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */

printf("Welcome to Windows 98");

if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}

create_general_protection_fault();
}

Windows '98 source code:
http://www.moldova.net/viewtopic.php?t=4692 ...

1. People who work are too lazy to think.

2. I didn't belive in reincarnation the last time either.

3. Only the mediocre are always at their best.

4. Oral sex is a matter of taste.

5. What is the difference between ignorance and apathy ?
I don't know and I don't care !

6. Coito ergo sum.

7. Mummy, mummy, what's an orgasm ?
I don't know, ask your father !

8. Brain - an apparatus with which we think that we think.

9. Do you realize that if it weren't for Edison we'd watching
TV by candlelight.

10. Tell him I,ve been too fucking busy - or viceversa.

11. I knew her before she was a virgin.

12. He is the only genius with an IQ of 60.

13. The only thing that can stop hair falling is the floor.

14. No one who had any sence has ever liked school.

15. The sooner you die the longer you are dead.

16. I'm immortal. So far.

17. My brain is my second favourite organ.

18. Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking.

19. Wagner, acest Pucinni al muzicii !

20. Tell me, what it you or your brother who was killed in the war ?

21. I hope we grow as old as we look.

22. Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die.

Windows '98 source code:
http://www.moldova.net/viewtopic.php?t=4692 ...

Sorry... nu-l vazusem :)

super jokes :lol:

Cele 24 de motive pentru care Windows 95 nu este un virus

1.Virusii sunt gratuiti.
2.Daca sunt detectati la timp, virusii pot fi scosi de pe calculatorul dumneavoastra fara prea mari pierderi de date.
3.Virusii nu ocupa un spatiu imens din capacitatea discului dumneavoastra.
4.Un virus functioneaza si cu mai putin de 16Mb RAM.
5.Virusii fac ceva.
6.Virusii nu au bug-uri majore.
7.Virusii nu au 3 seturi diferite de documentatie care pe deasupra mai sunt si gresite si imprecise.
8.Virusii nu se gasesc pe orice computer.
9.Virusii se instaleaza singuri.
10.Cui оi pasa daca un virus este 16 bit desi a fost promovat оn reclama ca 32 bit?
11.Virusii nu оncearca sa оsi elimine competitia. Ei оncearca doar sa-si faca treaba.
12.Virusii nu оncearca sa copieze ce dezvolta Apple.
13.Exista programe care se pot cumpara sau care se primesc gratuit pentru a оndeparta virusii.
14.Virusii pot fi luat de pe orice BBS (Buletin Board Service) bun.
15.Virusii vin оn mai multe variante, si nu o varianta pentru toate scopurile.
16.Virusii nu au wizzard-uri tвmpite.
17.Nu veti gasi оn presa inserturi publicitare cu butonul START оn jurul datei de 6 martie (atentie la Michelangelo).
18.Virusii nu spun ca sunt prietenosi atunci cвnd nu sunt.
19.Virusii pot rula pe PC-uri fara avertismente.
20.Virusii, cand se autoinstaleaza, nu оncearca sa transmita informatii private despre computerele utilizatorilor catre MSN.
21.Programatorii virusilor nu sustin ca virusii nu functioneaza fara Web-Browserul inclus...
22.Pвna acum nu a оncercat nici un programator de virusi sa detina monopolul pe piata programatorilor de virusi...
23.Unui virus nu оi trebuie 10 minute sa porneasca...
24.La un virus nu va vor Trebui nici "Service Packs" si nici "Updates"...

Topul lucrurilor reprezentate de catre cifra "95" оn Windows '95

15. Numarul de zerouri de pe contul lui Bill Gates
14. Anul оn care versiunea finala ar trebui sa apara
13. Numarul minim de MHz pe care trebuie sa оl aibe computerul tau...
12. Numarul de secunde pвna cвnd va avea prima cadere
11. Numarul de caderi care le va avea sistemul pe ora
10. Anul fabricatiei
9. Numarul de dischete pe care оl ocupa
8. Procentul oamenilor care vor fi nevoiti sa оsi upgradeze calculatoarele.
7. Numarul de MB care оl ocupa pe hardisk.
6. Numarul paginilor manualului de utilizare оn versiunea "EASY INSTALL".
5. Procentul programelor Windows care nu vor funciona sub sistemul de operare Windows 95.
4. Numarul minutelor care sunt necesare pentru a instala programul
3. Numarul apelurilor catre serviciul tehnic Microsoft necesare pentru a porni programul.
2. Numarul secundelor pвna se va prabusi оntreg sistemul.
1. Numarul oamenilor care vor plati upgrade-ul.
0. Numarul oamenilor оn procente ce vor folosi versiunea piratata si mult оmbunatatita.

16.О:Si ce оnseamna 3.11 din Windows 3.11?
R:Poate sa stearga 11Mb оn 3 secunde...

Desi nu ma pricep in compiutere, am inteles bancul :)
Very funny.....de unde le ai?

WHAT THE TEACHER SAYS AND WHAT DOES IT REALLY MEANS?

What the professor says (in quotes)
What it means (plain text)

First day of class

"Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation."
I'll be fudging your grades.

"My office hours are by appointment only."
I like to get out of here early.

"Bring the text to class."
I don't have a clue how to lecture - we'll just kill time with group read-alongs.

"Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade."
I'm so bo.ring, no one would show up otherwise.

"The tests will all be multiple-choice."
I take questions directly from the study guide, and have grad students do all my grading.

"Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations."
This course is outside my specialty - I'll just bluff it and let you teach.

"There are two TAs available to help you."
I can't be bothered.

"The second list is optional reading."
I have a rich fantasy life.

During lectures

"Before we begin the lecture for today, are there any questions about the previous material?"
Has anyone opened the book yet?

"Today we'll let a member of the class lead the discussion. It will be a good educational experience."
I stayed out too late last night and didn't have time to prepare a lecture.

"Today we are going to discuss a most important topic."
Today we are going to discuss my dissertation.

"The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important."
I don't understand the details either.

"You'll have to see me during my office hours for a thorough answer to your question."
I don't know.

"In answer to your question, you must recognize that there are several disparate points of view."
I really don't know.

"The implications of this study are clear."
I don't know what it means, either, but there'll be a question about it on the test.

"Unfortunately, we haven't the time to consider all of the people who made contributions to this field."
I disagree with what roughly half of the people in this field have said.

"We'll have to cover this chapter quickly."
I screwed up on the lecture schedule.

"Any questions?"
I'm ready to let you go.

During tests

"Don't write on the question sheet."
I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester.

"The test scores were generally good."
Some of you managed a B.

"Let's go over the exam."
Half of you failed.

"Well, it was on the syllabus."
You're responsible for this, even though I forgot about it myself.

"It was in the textbook."
I pulled it out of my as.s.

The last day

"It's been very rewarding to teach this class."
I hope they find someone else to teach it next year.

:crazy:

GYN_Tonic merci ca m-ai facut sa ryd tare mishto!

O gluma mai veche dar buna.

English can be a funny language

Anunturie de mai jos sunt culese din diferite colturi ale lumii, fiind facute pentru turistii vorbitori de limba engleza.

Cocktail Lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest Zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD.

Doctor’s Office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLS AND HEATS: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE, THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR.

Dry Cleaner’s, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

Sign in men’s rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK, TURN CO.CK TO THE RIGHT.

In a Nairobi Restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

On an Athi River Highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City Restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom handdryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL CO.CK IN TUB.

Tokyo Hotel’s rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE PROHIBITED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

Hotel Notice: Tokyo:
IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO SUCH A THING, PLEASE NOT TO HAVE NOTICED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok Temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel Room Notice: Chaing-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

Hotel Brochure: Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel Lobby, Bucharest:
THIS LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Hotel Elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel Yugoslavia:
THE FLATENNING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.

Taken from a menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM’S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE’S FASHION.

Supermarket, Hongkong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

From a Soviet Weekly:
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERSAND SCULPTORS. THESE WHERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IN RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

Hotel Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest:
IT IS STRICKLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BED ROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

An advertisement by a Hongkong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVER CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN AS.S?

In the window on a Swedish furrier:
FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY – NO ICE CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

Intelligent Quotes

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush

Lost with Translation

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"

Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to suggest French chic...but "pavian" means "baboon" in German.

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"

When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."

Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."

Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.

Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.

In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John" products as "Gros Jos." It later found out that the phrase is slang for "big breasts."